Dragon Quest Insanity
by Sh1ft1ng Sands
Summary: Come inside and look at my ramblings of the final battle of DQ1, told from my point of view! Author intervention, snarky comments, gratuitous swearing, and cop-outs ensue. Written while sick and on cough drops, sorry if it seems rushed.


Dragon Quest Insanity, or why you don't let me near DracoLord.

A short story bombing the hell out of the fourth wall with self-insertion and modern-day logic abound! Also to tie you people over until I figure out what to do with my level 30 character in MechQuest and how to make that happen.

_BEGIN_

"Jeez, why the hell did I even agree to this?" I gripped my hair in a moment of frustration.

"ALL I WANTED WAS A FUCKING SANDWICH! IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK INSTEAD OF DROPPING ME HERE?!"

Continuing my trek through DracoLord's castle, or whatever the hell he's called, I managed to stumble upon the famed treasure room housing Loto's sword, which doesn't really make sense considering it was called the King's Sword in the third installment, but I digress.

Now, I needed a weapon, but by some divine miracle (author intervention), I barely managed to barely dodge a replica of the Z-Saber from the Megaman X series(Don't own). Definitely confused out of my mind, and suddenly equipped with Loto's armor and a Silver Shield, I stumbled out of the room in a drunken stupor, or equivalent of.(The byproduct of author laziness.) A voice was heard…

"AY! GET YOUR STUPID (censored) BACK IN HERE AND PICK ME UP YOU (censored) (censored)!"

"Oh man, I need to lay off the Hawaiian Punch before bed…'cause I swear that sword just talked." I rubbed my eyes and looked back at the sword

"YOU'RE (censored) RIGHT I DID! NOW GET BACK HERE AND PICK ME UP!"

"Well if you're gonna be like that, no. Besides…" Rustling around in his bag was heard, "It says here that the Z-Saber has like, 100 more points on you."

"I DON'T (censored) CARE! I'M THE LEGENDARY SWORD, I SAY WHAT GOES! AND I SAY PICK ME UP!"

Sweatdropping ensued. "So? This thing stopped a bald guy with an ass-chin like, 5 times? I don't care what you say; I'm going to go all murderface on DracoLord now. So I guess I COULD bring you back with me," The sword seemed to glow at this. "BUUUUuuut, I wouldn't be using you anyway, hell, I guess I could throw you in the treasure room when I'm finished here." The glowing stopped.

"WHAT?! YOU CAN'T TREAT LOTO'S SWORD LIKE THAT!"

"I just did. Now come on. We're going to go make some DracoStew." Picking up the sword and throwing it in the bag/hammerspace, I continued on to DracoLord.

Sinister laughing ensued as DracoLord stood before me. "Hahaha, so you've come, descendant of Erdrick, befo-"

"Wait, Erdrick? Dude, I don't know any Erdrick."

"Whuh? Well then, uh, Loto?"

"Nope. Just a kid who somehow got dropped here when he was going to make a sandwich."

"A…Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME! WHERE THE BLUE HELL IS ERDRICK'S DESCENDANT THEN?!"

"OOhhhhhhhh…you mean that corpse rotting next to that AxKnight?" A quick scene change shows Erdrick's descendant clad in magic armor, flame sword, and steel shield, a skeleton, while the AxKnight is playing Tic-Tac-Toe with a DeadNite. They both look over, shrug, and return to their game.

DracoLord's hand instantly met his face. "God, nothing goes right anymore. Anyway, So you've come, yadda yadda yadda, descendant, yadda yadda, join me, blah blah blah."

"No."

" Ok then, now that formalities are out of the way, FIREBANE, BITCH!"

Getting slammed hard by imposing flames, I slumped down on my knees. "THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT, YOU DICK-GOBBLER!" Instantly enraged, I made a clean incision on DracoLord's leg.

"HOLY JUMPING SLIME SHIT! WHAT THE HELL, IS THAT A Z-SABER?!"

"Yes?"

"Now this is bullcrap. QUIT BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL, KID!"

"KID?! In case you haven't noticed, I'm a good 5 inches taller than you! Besides, I don't really care, the fourth wall shattered when I came here."

"SCREW THIS! I WILL NOT BE MADE A MOCKERY OF!"

Ahem, drawing a page from Dragon Warrior, Oh! DracoLord's True form emerged!

…"Wow. You're quite the ugly one."

"INSOLENT CHILD, YOUR END HAS COME!"

DracoLord then lashed his tail out. I managed to raise my shield in time, but stil got sent into a wall. Instantly, DracoLord was upon me raining blow after blow, fireball after fireball. I was immediately met with painful sensations. All I could do was raise my shield and hope to whatever god exists that I find an opening. Luckily, I did, He was rearing back to swallow me whole, when I jumped up and cut off his left wing with a satisfying hiss. DracoLord roared in pain, and turned around, flames dancing in his mouth. Running away from the flames somehow, I tried producing magic.

"Come on, Come on, Come on! WORK DAMN YOU!" Razor used HealMore! "Ah…there we go! Alright, go time!" Leaping back at DracoLord, I lashed out and cut of his tail, igniting another roar of fury. This time, the response came in the form of a fist burying me in the ground.

"O…Ow…" I struggled with getting up.

"SO…HOW DOES IT FEEL, MAGGOT? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE CRUSHED UNDER MY FOOT?!"

"Pretty disgusting, hombre. Oh well, I'm done playing witty banter time. TIME TO END THIS! SEE YOU IN HELL, SCUM!" I reared back, and charged into its heart, saber first.

Silence, then DracoLord slumping over, defeated and leaking blood. I wrenched the LightOrb from his throne, and held it up. Peace easily returned to the land. I sighed, returned to the castle, threw the sword into the treasury, and managed to flag down a boat. I decided that as long as I was here, I would travel, assisting when needed, so I guess I became a mercenary of sorts. Oh well, I'm living a decent life.

_END_

I wrote this while high on cough drops, so yeah. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense, but read the previous sentence. Anyway, I'll start back in on the MQ story as soon as I figure out how to incorporate my new belongings. Thanks for reading!


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